The Story
First of all I want to thank anyone who is reading this. I also want to tell anyone who is going through tough times, it will get better. Know that! With God's help it will get better. God has brought me to a place in my life that I was in no way prepared for. He has also laid this on my heart to share this story in hopes that it will help just one person.
I fully believe we are all created with our stories already written out by God. He knows what our lives are going to be like before we are born. My story has been pretty grand so far. Then Jordan and I were hit with a word that we weren't prepared for...miscarriage. It was a tough pill to swallow and one that I never thought possible. To tell you the truth, the first thing I felt when they said it was betrayal. Betrayed by my own body and betrayed by God. How could He let this happen to us? I began to question a lot of my choices in life leading up to that moment. In the days and weeks after I felt guilt. I thought it was my fault since it was my body. I felt guilty because I know how amazing Jordan is going to be as a Dad. I felt guilty because we kept it from our families.
Let me tell you if there is something in life that a body does not respond well to, it's stress/ anxiety. They are very powerful and should not be taken lightly. My health began to rapidly decline to the point where getting out of bed has been a chore. My body was saturated with the stress and it was starting to seep out. I like to compare it to the game jenga. You keep taking pieces away from the middle and stacking them on top until the structure falls down. And that's exactly what it felt like. I was crumbling and people were starting to notice. Too many doctors visits later with people trying to numb the pain away with medicine that have only made me feel worse. I haven't been able to eat or sleep. I haven't wanted to do anything at all.
Telling our parents and siblings has literally been the hardest thing I/we have ever had to do. Seeing them upset was so hard. I have never been shot, but I would compare the two. Hindsight we should have immediately told them. I knew their love for us wouldn't change, it was just the fear of hurting them that kept holding me back. Telling them would have saved me a lot of personal destruction.
Looking back and having been able to process what I have gone through, I can say that I am somewhat thankful God did what He did. He completely broke me down to my core. He brought me to the darkest place I have ever been. By completely breaking me down He has shown me what He needed from me in my walk with Him. He is molding me into who He wants me to be and I am trying to be at peace with that. I fully believe that when we get to Heaven we will meet that baby. Our baby was too good for this earth and God needed them more than us. I fully trust God and His timing and know that He will give us a baby when He is ready. Until then I will continue to trust in His timing. He has His hand in everything. I just want you all to know that everything will get better. It is going to get better for me and what you are going through will get better too. You only need to trust in God and have faith that if He brought you to it, He will bring you through it.
I fully believe we are all created with our stories already written out by God. He knows what our lives are going to be like before we are born. My story has been pretty grand so far. Then Jordan and I were hit with a word that we weren't prepared for...miscarriage. It was a tough pill to swallow and one that I never thought possible. To tell you the truth, the first thing I felt when they said it was betrayal. Betrayed by my own body and betrayed by God. How could He let this happen to us? I began to question a lot of my choices in life leading up to that moment. In the days and weeks after I felt guilt. I thought it was my fault since it was my body. I felt guilty because I know how amazing Jordan is going to be as a Dad. I felt guilty because we kept it from our families.
Let me tell you if there is something in life that a body does not respond well to, it's stress/ anxiety. They are very powerful and should not be taken lightly. My health began to rapidly decline to the point where getting out of bed has been a chore. My body was saturated with the stress and it was starting to seep out. I like to compare it to the game jenga. You keep taking pieces away from the middle and stacking them on top until the structure falls down. And that's exactly what it felt like. I was crumbling and people were starting to notice. Too many doctors visits later with people trying to numb the pain away with medicine that have only made me feel worse. I haven't been able to eat or sleep. I haven't wanted to do anything at all.
Telling our parents and siblings has literally been the hardest thing I/we have ever had to do. Seeing them upset was so hard. I have never been shot, but I would compare the two. Hindsight we should have immediately told them. I knew their love for us wouldn't change, it was just the fear of hurting them that kept holding me back. Telling them would have saved me a lot of personal destruction.
Looking back and having been able to process what I have gone through, I can say that I am somewhat thankful God did what He did. He completely broke me down to my core. He brought me to the darkest place I have ever been. By completely breaking me down He has shown me what He needed from me in my walk with Him. He is molding me into who He wants me to be and I am trying to be at peace with that. I fully believe that when we get to Heaven we will meet that baby. Our baby was too good for this earth and God needed them more than us. I fully trust God and His timing and know that He will give us a baby when He is ready. Until then I will continue to trust in His timing. He has His hand in everything. I just want you all to know that everything will get better. It is going to get better for me and what you are going through will get better too. You only need to trust in God and have faith that if He brought you to it, He will bring you through it.
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